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Joke of the Day

"If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead."

"What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up."

"What superhero would a (insert stereotype here) man be? Batman. Why? Because he can't go out at night without Robin!"

"Cilla Black has died... Surprise Surprise."

"""I am Santa Claus."" ""No you're not."" ""Yes I am."" ""Ok."" - Miracle on 34th Street in tweet form."

"Most women love it when you play with their hair in public Their husbands not so much"

"A Zen master once said to me, Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.' So I didn't"

"How do you know when you have bad acne? When the blind try to read your face."

"Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled? Because they have a claus in their contract."

"*knocks on door* You're too fat. ""Wha--"" You're way too dumb. ""Wait--who.."" Hi, I'm Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You're too poor for one."