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Joke of the Day

"Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are."

"What do you call a herpes pun? a play on warts"

"Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret. Pat: Thank you. Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies."

"I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored"

"Looks like a wonderful day to do all the nothing I have planned."

"How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big? Ostrich-sized."

"Boss: Did you take Mike's stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later? Me: WHAT!?! Noooo....wait, did he say yes?"

"I have just seen a load of dyslexic africans. They were laying flowers at nissan maindealers."

"What's Miley Cyrus eating for Thanksgiving.. Twerky!"

"If the stick figure people started committing more crimes... I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI."