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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood? A match made in Heaven."

"Clinton is so crooked... She needs a Kaine for support. (Credit to: /u/medically)"

"The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says ""Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"""

"The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood."

"birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot"

"I've been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from Bewitched, and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day."

"Growing up in poverty, my mom was a lot like my anti-depressants... Neither of them really worked."

"This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made"

"What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist? A marine biologist."

"Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, ""will you have your usual tonight?"" Rene replies ""I think not"" and he disappears."