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Joke of the Day

"I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing."

"Sarcasm: confusing stupid people and pissing off idiots everywhere."

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

"Why was the hipster drinking milk? He liked Ice Cream before it was cool"

"What do women and pine trees have in common? Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy."

"How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it? Decepticondoms."

"They say statistically, 1 out of every 3 of your neighbors are likely to be a pedophile. Luckily for me, I live next to two gorgeous 12 year olds."

"What did one orphan say to the other? ""Robin, get in the batmobile."""

"Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I've lost weight... So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit."

"Why did Hitler struggle to eat his Chinese food? Because he ordered the chow mein Kampf."