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Joke of the Day

"Nothing says ""I'm an American"" more than ordering a pizza online and tweeting about it and then hating soccer."

"*turns on alarm* Alarm: I have a headache"

"I dropped my phone in the bath. I dropped my phone in the water. I put it in rice to dry out, it works now but i lost all my contacts except for my uncle bens."

"How did the New Orlean Pelicans get their name? They should've gone with the Hurricanes."

"a keyboard walks into a barbershop on the international space station ""i just want an easy, short cut"". then he hit the bar"

"Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a separate box."

"What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror"

"You probably solved a problem which Einstein couldn't solve because he didn't see it"

"[pearly gates] st peter: welcome everybody- *i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it's the rim*"

"Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'."