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Joke of the Day

"How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder."

"""So You've Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?"" That is definitely a reality show I would watch."

"1985: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me"

"Did you hear about the guy with no penis? He just comes out of nowhere."

"I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats"

"12 year old girls are an untapped market."

"What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan."

"My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one."

"If ""bae"" means bacon and eggs then yes, I'm chilling with my bae"

"Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad."