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Joke of the Day

"[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?"

"Thanks to the internet I know the actual medical terms for all the ailments that I'm positive I'm dying from."

"What did the Middle Eastern terrorist say when he was captured by the police? Oman!"

"What do you call a fear of horned bovines? Aurochnophobia."

"Cheese and schizophrenia -Which cheese is schizophrenic? -Halloumi"

"Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven."

"Won't do that again Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call ""shotgun"" before boarding a plane."

"When Big Johnny tried to fly without an ID... ...the TSA diagnosed him with an enlarged prostate."

"Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye. Customer: Really? I don't like it. Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT"

"I let people know that I'm no weirdo. I say ""I'm no weirdo!"" From that point forward, it's just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets."