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Joke of the Day

"Charlie Sheen is HIV positive It seems he went from tiger blood to monkey blood."

"Me: ""You didn't tell me that."" Them: ""Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone."" Me (looks up): ""I'm sorry, what?"""

"[police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit"

"Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet? It's usually a sorted affair."

"""What did two years of Spanish classes teach you in high school?"" Nadar"

"Romeo and juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13 & 17 year old that caused 6 deaths. #readtheplay"

"You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when... You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, ""you make an appeal."""

"What is the Taliban's Favorite Holiday Footwear? What is the Taliban's favorite holiday footwear? Missile Toe! Source: My brother on the way home from subway."

"Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off."

"If I was a candle... ...and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I'd be quite put out."