195800

Joke of the Day

"[police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit"

"Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse... but it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom"

"I can't think of a better time to drop dead than at a New Year's Eve party right after everyone yells ""...1!"""

"What does it take for a soldier in uniform to pick up a girl?... ....a smile and wave!"

"I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed."

"Whenever I'm feeling really tired, I just watch the new Star Wars trailer... Because The Force Awakens me"

"How to change a baby: 1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one's looking"

"What do you call a dog with no legs ? It doesn't matter what you call him he still won't come !"

"Before they built this Trader Joe's, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other's way"

"There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god"