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Joke of the Day

"Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card."

"It would be really nice if everything was coffee."

"Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year and it's down a chimney"

"Got my new Chinese cookbook today....""101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"""

"I had an eight course Irish dinner tonight. A six pack of beer, a potato, and a glass of whiskey to finish it off."

"It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.."

"Fancy coming back to mine for a few shots ? Fuck off Oscar, I'm not falling for that one!"

"What do pickles do to make themselves look more beautiful They get Vlasic surgery"

"What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that"

"If I had 3 wishes I'd spend them on my daughter. Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll."