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Joke of the Day

"""Ugh, it's so dark!"" *shivers* ""And cold! Why is it so huge? It's, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!"" - Larry, the worst astronaut"

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today... I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

"Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight."

"I held a meeting for people who can't ejaculate But nobody came."

"Life is like a box of chocolates.... it doesn't last as long for fat people."

"I also wrote a poem, too, too I feel. You feel. He feels. She feels. They feel. We feel. I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very touching."

"All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall Lean in And whisper 'I'll do your housework'"

"I can't wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor."

"I have a sore throat, a sinus headache, a paper cut, and I miss my kitties. No one has suffered as much as I have on a Friday."

"In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s."