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Joke of the Day

"The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now."

"Waiter: ""I'm afraid your credit card has been declined."" Me: ""Try this one."" W: ""This is a blood donor card."" M: ""Take as much as you need."""

"He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted's memory lives on."

"Wife: how was the doctor? Me: bad I'm dying Wife: I know, how was the doctor?"

"How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!"

"I milked the cow ""We don't have a cow"" the neighbors' cow then ""Their cat?"" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo ""Meow"" Ah shoot"

"I once dated someone with really smelly feet, the smell used to bring tears to my eyes... It was like someone was chopping bunions."

"He looks at her, she undresses him with her eyes His clothes fall Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy.."

"Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let's try to leave better kids for our planet."

"Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns? They always take things literally."