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Joke of the Day

"Friend: What time is it? Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away) Friend: Well? Me: Well what?"

"""My phone's about to die."" -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ...."

"my abacus is super trustworthy i can always count on it"

"So a. Mormon and a Catholic walk into a bar... And there goes your middle class."

"When you call a dog they usually come to you. When you call a cat; they take a message."

"I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock."

"Just watched the amazing Spiderman 2, thought of this. I thought Spiderman was going to kick the crap out of electro, but it turns out he's black and blue to start with."

"You know what? Chicken Butt!"

"At the planetarium with my family. I think my wife was surprised to discover she's not the center of the universe."

"What's the difference between a hand towel and toilet paper? ""What?"" ""You aren't coming to my house"""