33592

Joke of the Day

"Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot"

"Why do ducks nod their head when they walk? They're listening to duckstep!"

"She said she liked bad boys. So I de-alphabetized her DVD's and set fire to her little yippie dogs. Still didn't get laid. Fucking women."

"If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway."

"People always tell me I'm funny and I always have to remind them I'm Dad."

"Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people? He had locomotives!"

"*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*"

"I was looking at the baseball, trying to figure out why it was getting larger. Then it hit me."

"Here's a mind bender my 8 year old son came up with: Why are trees green? For camouflage."

"*opens door* Stop screaming! *opens door* What broke?! *opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! ~parenting from the bathroom"