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Joke of the Day

"The road to hell is paved. That's nice."

"Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone... ... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?"

"Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics? Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America."

"Why did the scarecrow receive an award? It was outstanding in his field."

"Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days? Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES! This can be taken in two ways and both are correct."

"Her: I think you're getting too into those Hobbit movies Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?"

"I Want To Be Pampered! Actually, any brand will do."

"What element can you find in almost any shoe store? Heelium! I'll see myself out now..."

"911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say ""yeah, got ur text"""

"Of course I touch myself when I think about you It's called a face palm"