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Joke of the Day

"A girl phoned me the other day and said...""Come on over, there's nobody home."" I went over. Nobody was home."

"TIL Doug Liman will be directing an adaptation of the Passion story for 2017, with Matt Damon as Jesus Christ. Bourne is the King of Israel!"

"""Balls."" said the queen. The king laughed, he had to."

"WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her"

"What part of ""No"" don't you understand? Probably the whole thing I'm guessing. It's a pretty short word. What? You're a squirrel? Sorry"

"What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend? They wipe, flush, and wash their hands"

"I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories."

"Wanna hear a good joke? You."

"What's the difference between Christmas presents and ass whuppins? You ain't gettin' no Christmas presents!"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bond ! Bond who ? Bond to succeed !"