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Joke of the Day

"I went to the store to buy condoms, the cashier asked me if I needed a bag. I told her ""No, she's not that ugly"""

"What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay."

"What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house? He'll re-possess it"

"I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket. He said, ""Son ... How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"""

"You can't always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you'll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable"

"I like my wine how I like my women 15 years old and locked in a basement"

"Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's ""Wright"" all the time."

"When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes."

"You're like school in July... No class"

"WHAT OTHER ILLNESSES DO I HAVE?! I told my doctor I think I'm a hypochondriac. As usual, the medicine he gave me isn't working."