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Joke of the Day

"Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. - stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3"

"I bought a fitbit... I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today."

"When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag, So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops"

"Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny."

"Why do programmers celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25"

"Q: What do you call an 800 pound gorilla? A: Anything he wants to be called."

"[breakup] Who should get the cat? ""I don't know...let's see who he loves the most"" {3 weeks later} Can you tell? ""Nope"""

"What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ..."

"What did the Grateful Dead fan say when he ran out of pot? What's that noise?"

"What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common? They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked."