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Joke of the Day

"My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny."

"Who's the nicest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy"

"Never think you can win a fight just because the other one is a huge pussy. It might have been a female tiger, but it still ate my arm."

"Mike Tyson Mysteries is on Netflix now... Episode 1: case of the missing ear."

"I was just sentenced to Prison for my part in a timeshare fraud. I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 20 years."

"get away from the tree Dad: get away from that tree son! Son: why dad? Dad: it looks shady"

"Sorry I called you ""sexy"" and didn't really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza."

"Honesty is the best policy, but I also recommend a lot of life insurance."

"""I left you a voicemail."" You honestly might as well have written it on a post-it and thrown it into the sea."

"Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven? When it dies it becomes immortal. &#8734;"