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Joke of the Day

"Isn't it nice that soon Justin Bieber will go through puberty, Twilight will end, & Mr.Potter's gone? Everything's going to be normal again"

"If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now."

"Girls storing chips in their bras...pfft amateurs. I've got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there"

"I'm Torn on the Issue of Abortion.... On one hand, I support it because it is killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice. Credit goes where credit's due, /u/DJ-Salinger"

"I am starting a website called Kickfarter where people pay me to not fart."

"Did you hear about the Chinese brother's that tried to start a German Empire? Turns out two Wongs don't make a Reich."

"In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it's space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?"

"Are jokes about Islam funny? Absolutely, they're a blast."

"How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia? Because he is snowed in."

"I owe so much to X-men, the movie that taught me it was ok to be a terrifying mutant"