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Joke of the Day

"If I was Jennifer Lawrence, I'd see which laws I could ignore. Start with going behind the counter at Starbucks, work my way up to murder."

"Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???"

"If you say the words 'beer can' in a British accent, it sounds like you're saying 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent."

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who was into Astrology She was an Earth sign, I was a Water sign. Together, we made mud. Credit to Rodney Dangerfield, a great...."

"Anyone watch story on the news about the corduroy pillows? It's making all the headlines."

"I had a dream about mufflers last night... I woke up exhausted"

"There was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's now a seasoned veteran."

"If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!*"

"Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a night club in Spain. Orlando's hand was pretty sore today, you know, from all the high-fives he got."

"""First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO"" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish"