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Joke of the Day

"My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can ""make lots of money like the man outside walmart."""

"""FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1 FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2"""

"Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn't want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors."

"""honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?"" ""who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"""

"My friend, upon hearing that Chris Pratt will be in the new Jurassic World film... Are you looking forward to Jurassic Parks and Recreation?"

"Star Wars Force Awakens joke Im Seriously concerned about new star wars. If this continues, Well then im very interested, How will the Rey with her training, run with Old Skywalker on her back"

"I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa... Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly."

"One out of every ten people lives next to a pedophile... ...not me, I live next to two beautiful 8 year olds."

"A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down."

"How did Hitler tie his shoelaces? In cute little knotsies!"