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Joke of the Day

"""FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1 FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2"""

"Actually, the past tense is 'hanged' as in 'he hanged himself'. Sorry about your dad, though"

"I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter. It's shift work"

"People hate when I make my elevator joke But it works on so many levels"

"When talking to a girl, their boobs are like the sun... You can't look at them for very long unless you have sunglasses"

"It only took me one drink to get drunk... I just can't remember if it was the seventh or the eighth (George Burns)"

"I mostly make black jokes because I have a dark sense of humor"

"Yo mammas so fat When she fell in the grand canyon she got stuck in between"

"Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January 2nd February...!"

"Why did the Earth suddenly enter a manic episode then go back to a depressive episode? Because it's bipolar."