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Joke of the Day

"Kristen Stewart was raised by a pair of vacuum cleaners"

"I bought a fan today... It blows, man."

"What is 168? Dinner for 4."

"TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation. It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers."

"While playing the depressing part of a videogame, my close pal Xavier suddenly starts massaging my crotch I've never been so touched on an emotional level."

"How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb? I wouldn't know, mine's never around. (Alternately: ""Well, he went out to get one..."")"

"I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ."

"Where is Engagement, Ohio? It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion."

"Wi Fi doesn't work so well in the office. HR will need to talk to this lazy Vietnamese."

"What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS? They both hate the French press"