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Joke of the Day

"Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September."

"""I didn't go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting"" I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO's coffee pot."

"What washes up on small beaches? Microwaves!"

"Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now? What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs."

"Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass"

"I don't feel bad for the people killed in ""Jaws"". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go swimming in his bathtub."

"What does a sandwich filling share in common with Joffrey Lannister? They are both in bread."

"How are cats like empty wine bottles? I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both."

"Vasaline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children... *Just stick that stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob to get in."

"A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy."