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Joke of the Day

"deleted scenes are rarely worth the time but on Honey I Shrunk the Kids check out one where the dad thinks he's alone and starts jerking it"

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Both! Now get in the fucking van."

"I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy. I guess you can call it a fascistnation."

"[texting] ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game. me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident."

"I just noticed how high the prices were for the Adele concert So I said ""Heeeellloooooooo from the Parking loooooooooottt"""

"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison."

"About a months ago I started to learn how to speak French. But then I gave up."

"Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]"

"Priorities They say people have their best ideas in the shower. I'm mostly trying to remember to wash my face before I wash my ass."

"So there's a new charity, where gay people help disabled people It's going to be called Fruits and Vegetables."