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Joke of the Day

"I'm at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person."

"[last supper] drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?"

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog."

"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him"

"Asked God his thoughts on assuming genders, his reply... ""Hmmm, I guess I should have made it more obvious"""

"Old people poke me at weddings and tell me ""your next"" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals"

"If Miley doesn't get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college"

"What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? A star-spangled banner"

"Everyone is freaking out about all these glasses that glow under a backlight... ... But my sheets have been glowing under backlights since I was 14"

"So an elephant and a naked man are talking, you know how that goes... and the elephant says to the naked man. ""Its cute but can you really breathe through it?"""