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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear; the others a fucking amazing year."

"Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear."

"How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope."

"STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him ""Admiral Snackbar"""

"Do I turn left, when nothing is right? Or do I turn right, when there's nothing left?"

"An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy."

"If the backup sensor beeping in my car is keeping with the beat of the song I'm listening to I'm probably just gonna hit whatever it is."

"I'm volunteering at the tempura house tonight. It's a shelter for lightly battered women."

"""You gotta keep 'em separated!"" -the dude from the Offspring whenever he's doing laundry."

"APOLLO: I'll be god of the sun HERMES: OK I'll take light- A: I'm also light ARTEMIS: I'll take music A: No I'm also music. That's me too"