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Joke of the Day

"My ex-girlfriend had a parakeet That fucking thing would never shut up. The bird was pretty cool though."

"Why are air hostesses bad at dating? Most men aren't interested in **plane** women."

"Why did the villagers hate Frankenstein? Because he was a Jew."

"What is an MRI's favorite music? Metal"

"Why did the plane crash into the mountain? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread."

"5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken. *pushes their faces together* Me: Did they kiss and make up? 5: No. She headbutted him."

"Fun prank: tweet ""BRB CLEANING MY GUN!!!"" then don't tweet for 8 years."

"The only thing that would make my morning more productive is actually doing something."

"[Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there"

"""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"" my dad told me. ""Are you kidding? Really?"" I shouted. ""Yup, get ready,"" he said. ""They'll be picking you up in about an hour."""