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Joke of the Day

"Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down."

"What did Russians use for light before candles? Light bulbs"

"I asked my wife to tell me something that would make me laugh and cry at the same time... Apparently out of all my friends I have the biggest dick."

"I named my eraser Confidence It gets smaller every time I make a mistake."

"Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence."

"Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL"

"Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident? A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out."

"Operator: ""9-1-1 please hold..."" Me: ""Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second."" Murderer: ""K."""

"What do you get when you cross egg whites with a bomb? A boomerang"

"What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad."