2522

Joke of the Day

"Life hack: McDonald's will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]"

"What is a cannibal's favourite treat? A kid kat. (My 9 year old son made this up.)"

"""I am inspiring"" -Russian guy who's about to get kicked out of his spy ring"

"[ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?"

"A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry."

"advice: describing someone's cupcakes as being ""better than sex"" is only a compliment if you aren't sleeping with them"

"Guinness book of world records I use to have my dick in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian told me I had to leave."

"Ive decided to run a marathon for charity I didn't want to do it at first, but apparently it's for blind and disabled kids so I think I've got a good chance of winning."

"Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?"

"Tweets got stolen. * Everybody looks at the new black dude following *"