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Joke of the Day

"Totally blasting Billy Joel out of my minivan. I'm like sex on wheels right now."

"5,""So we don't get to open any presents today?"" Me, ""No."" 5, ""So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"""

"""Keep pumping until something happens."" -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood."

"Why do they say ""character actress""? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?"

"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... ... and doesn't"

"I was pleased with the first day of The World Cup, and even more pleased that it didn't turn into ""2 Girls, 1 World Cup"" as I had feared."

"I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like ""Pick up milk"" or ""Pay gas bill"" or ""Stop wasting your life away"""

"I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying ""et cetera."""

"What's the difference between a Hummer and a cactus? A cactus has all the pricks on the outside."

"Told by the driver of the bus we were on Driver: so you hear president obama is in the hospital right? Us: no we didnt Driver: he cant stop putin"