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Joke of the Day

"Why do they say ""character actress""? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?"

"What's the difference between a take-out dinner and a make-out session? How can you take something out you've never put in?"

"To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later"

"Promised myself that today I wouldn't steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain't bad"

"I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the f*cking cactus."

"My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me."

"Regarding Daughters Any father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3 years of a daughter's life trying to teach them to talk, and the next 15 or so trying to get them to shut-up."

"A terrorist walks into a Akbar"

"I kissed a grill once. It was pretty hot."

"A guy walks into a bar.... ...holding a set of jumper cables and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says ""okay, I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!"""