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Joke of the Day

"I saw a sign on the highway that read ""End Road Construction."" And I was like, shit, the anti-road construction people are getting vocal."

"What's a cats favorite firearm? A meowser"

"HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON'T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY"

"Which is the worst hand to lose? The second one."

"Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans."

"Google. Filling the gaps in public education."

"Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I'd need a ouija board"

"But if two men get married, they'll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent."

"My teacher took off points when I spilled my juice on my Calculus homework... ... Apparently, I shouldn't drink and derive."

"I hate when my iPod earbud cord gets hung on an object and it violently rips the earbud out and I get that murder-y feeling."