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Joke of the Day

"I just ate an entire bag of Werther's and now I'm 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley."

"Masturbation comes in handy. Literally"

"Did you hear about the Florida pastor's Quran burning? His actions are incendiary."

"Chicken and an egg are sitting in bed... Egg says in a angry huff ""I guess we answered THAT question!"""

"""IF YOU'RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON--"" ""stop rapping, Grandma"" ""--I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN'T ONE"""

"1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. ""WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"""

"Why don't Indians eat baguette? Because there's naan there."

"What's the last thing you want to hear right after you get done blowing Willie Nelson? "" I ain't Willie Nelson."""

"Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash? - He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado"

"Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank? He came in with buns glazing."