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Joke of the Day
"My life coach told me I was going to be traded at the end of the year."
Next Joke
"Chipotle Haiku This chipotle is having a poetry contest for some reason. Here's my haiku: Eating chipotle. They messed up my order... Again I will die alone"
"I think I made up a joke. What do rappers use to wash their clothes? BLEEE-AAAACH!"
"I still keep my old Blackberry on me in case I get mugged and the person's like ""HAND ME YOUR PHONE!"""
"It's my birthday tomorrow - in lieu of charitable donations, please send gifts."
"What did Khloe Kardashian do for a vegetable? Broke up with James Harden"
"Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh"
"My new thesaurus is terrible in fact I'd go as far to say that it's terrible"
"What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant."
"Ellen Pao reminds me of this guy I know... His name is OP"