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Joke of the Day

"[bedtime] brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US me: SLEEP brain: NO, GOOGLE IT"

"Bet the wife $50 That she couldn't make me happy and sad with the same sentence. She said I was much better in bed than my brother."

"*gets crushed by a bus* *checks to see if phone is intact*"

"Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I've been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?"

"How many Social Justice Warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? None, just the one black guy they get to do it so they can tell him how oppressed he is."

"If athletes get athlete's foot then what do astronauts get? Missile toe."

"Why do fish always have c-sections? Because they can't have land sections"

"A man left his wife because he found out she was a prostitute and, boy, had he rung up a bill!"

"Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don't have a moon where I live."

"Guys, I figured out a better way to pretend you died mid-type! All you need to do is hold dooooooooooooooooooooooo"