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Joke of the Day

"[murder scene] Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail SD2- Let's track him down *10 hours later* SD1-Damn that guy is fast"

"I haven't talked to my girlfriend for the last couple days because of my addiction to this new game. I think The Division is really starting to get to her."

"How do you start a teddy bear race ? Ready teddy go !"

"Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission? It was a Riposte."

"You're like cheese I laugh when I cut you! Edit: First post on Reddit? Why not start with a cheesy joke?"

"A Vegan and her Gluten-Free friend walk into a bar... and we only know that because it's the first thing they tell everyone"

"Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m."

"What do your child and your dick have in common? If you don't beat it enough, it'll start standing up for itself in public."

"I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans."

"I really don't appreciate ghosts coming back from the dead just to tell me I'm doing a bad job. Boooooo"