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Joke of the Day

"Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park."

"Taking my 4 year old to see Straight Outta Compton. I can't remember ever being this excited for a movie that's rated G."

"So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding."

"What did Charlie Manson get his fiancee? A blood diamond... (doh!)"

"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man"

"Last night after we had sex I asked my wife if she was faking it and she said ""no, I really was asleep."""

"Ignore her and she'll go away, to buy a gun, but she'll go away."

"What did Walter White teach? Advanced methematics."

"When I die, I want to pass peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Not screaming at the oncoming truck like the rest of us in his car."

"What is your preferred type of birth control? ""Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."""