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Joke of the Day

"My birthday is coming up, wife agreed to bday sex. Thankfully she'll be out of town on a business trip so I'll have the house all to myself."

"What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale? A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding."

"Me and my girlfriend... Me and my girlfriend watched 6 DVDs back to back last night, fortunately I was the one facing the TV!"

"Today, my girlfriend told me on the phone that we were breaking up. I went outside and the signal improved."

"Did you hear about the banana thief? He's appealing his sentence"

"that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare"

"Why are the majority of school shooters white? Because the black kids don't wanna get kicked off the basketball team."

"The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about."

"Susan froze to death. She was cremated It's what she would have wanted."

"Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic dyslexic? He was up all night wondering if there was a dog."