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Joke of the Day

"Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex."

"My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop using Monkee's song references. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face..."

"What's the difference between a $200 vacuum and a $50 vacuum? I don't know, they both suck."

"I finally got around to getting a vasectomy the other day... but there hasn't been a vas deferens in my sex life since then."

"How many Budists does it take... How many Budists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The change, if needed, will come from within."

"Lucy fell in front of the train she screamed out for help ""HELP ME! I DONT WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!!"", so Luke came running over and cut her throat instead. Nice work Luke. You should be more like Luke."

"Knock knock. Who's there? Budweiser. Budweiser who? Budweiser your mother naked?"

"Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today? Husband:Yes. Wife:Is she smart? Husband:Yes. Wife:Is she pretty? Husband:Yes. Wife:How did she dress today? Husband:Very quickly."

"Pizza places, we don't want cheesy bread. Pizza is cheesy bread."

"My mom's so pessimistic... If there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."