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Joke of the Day

"Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!"

"[ultrasound] DOCTOR: oh my god! HER: what's wrong? DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby"

"I always hate going to my Rastafarian friends house its dreadful"

"What do people mean when they say kids are 'experimenting' with sex? Getting it on in a lab coat? Is that how you get a test tube baby?"

"Whenever I get out of an Uber I imagine cameras spinning around me and my shirt blowing up in slo-mo like I'm in a Michael Bay movie."

"I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive. It makes me want to throw my beer can at them."

"If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today."

"Two elephants jump off a cliff Boom, boom"

"if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat"

"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One but he must consult the DSM-IV."