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Joke of the Day

"Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted."

"In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love."

"What do you call a veal-birthing cow? De-calf"

"How do Chinese name their kids? They throw silverware on the ground!"

"911: 911. What's your emergency? Me: I'm bleeding profusely. 911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats. Me: ..."

"My fortune cookie says ""You will attain the highest levels of intelligence."" Does anyone know where I can find fedoras for cheap?"

"How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none. They would just beat the room because it was black."

"Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs."

"Why did 10 die? He was stuck in the middle of 9/11."

"If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered."