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Joke of the Day

"Your parents didn't even want you... You would have been a blowjob if your mom had change for that $20."

"Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves"

"PRO TIP- Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half"

"Cop: Know why I stopped you? You didn't, the brakes did. Cop: But do you know why? Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot? Cop: Get out."

"My wife left me due to my obsession for classical music.. I hope she takes me Bach"

"My New Year's Resolution was to stop masturbating Well I guess there's always next year"

"What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean? You wouldn't pay money to have a Garbanzo bean on your face!"

"Why are vacuum cleaners made by gays the best? Because they really suck."

"What do you get if you cross a dog with a sniper rifle and a car? A *range rover*!"

"Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up."