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Joke of the Day

"Me: But I'm sweaty, I'm anxious, my heart rate is up Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I've had to tell you I can't treat being offended online"

"My tweets don't get the attention they used to. I've seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard."

"My doctor sang this to me at my birthday ""Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"""

"What is worse than biting through an apple, and finding a worm inside? ~~Rape~~ The picky fuckers on this website."

"Last week I went golfing and finally beat my wife... Those are two separate things."

"Limerick There was this baker from South Carolina Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina The cakes she would glaze In an orgasmic haze And her screams they would rattle the china"

"What do you call a group of undead police officers? Zombie Acopalypse"

"Worried about hair loss? Just draw little rabbits on your head. From a distance they'll look like hares."

"boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say ""ouch rocks"" when walking on rocks"

"What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a pit bull? The pit bull will eventually let go."