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Joke of the Day

"if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats"

"The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back. I said ""Well you are in a wheelchair"""

"Did you know that if you take all the people in the world and split them in half you'd be a mass murderer"

"I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, ""Guacamole is NO OBJECT!"""

"Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted? Diversion Mary"

"Did you hear about the eagle who could catch a squirrel with only one claw? He was very *talon*ted"

"Have you heard about the new drink, the hurricane Sandy? It's a watered down Manhattan."

"Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people."

"Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?"

"Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite of in is."