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Joke of the Day

"HER: Can I give you my new number? ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don't already know."

"You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice"

"I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises."

"How Does a Woman Make a Man a Millionaire? When he's a billionaire."

"I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I've left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs."

"what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea a salt with a deadly wetpen *hides*"

"KNOCK KNOCK!? Knock knock? -whuz diz? Opportunity -nigga be lying opportunity doesn't knock twice"

"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum psshh!"

"Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: ""Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"""

"Why did the lesbian go to Sports Authority? because she didn't like dicks."