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Joke of the Day

"MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry"

"I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered."

"Don't be russian Or you'll be stalin"

"I like to steal other peoples' Viagra... It's a real dick move, I know."

"How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb? He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him."

"Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!"

"I was promised today would be a new day. This feels suspiciously like a used Wednesday."

"How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex"

"What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? The letter ""D"" !"

"So I went to a culture booth recently... And I tried some ramen. Wasn't a great idea I soon found out, as I had eaten a cheeseburger not long before. Everything just surrendered..."