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Joke of the Day

"""911? Help, my son has gone missing"" [baby lowers hands from eyes] ""Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere"""

"I phoned the police. I said, ""A girl is being raped in the park!"" He said, ""You're going to need to be more specific than that."" I said, ""You kinky bastard."""

"My favourite joke at the moment... How do you get an elephant in to a plastic bag? First you take the 'T' out of 'Tesco', what do you get? Esco. Then you take the 'F' out of 'Weigh', what do you get?"

"What does Batman do on Father's Day? He oh..."

"Masturbation... ...It comes in handy"

"My mum told me I was her third favourite child..... .... I'm an only child"

"To me Bernie Sanders is more like God It is not the guy I have problem with but the fan club freaks me out."

"Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn't paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job."

"I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper. You know what paper is? I yell"

"Why did the veggie band sound horrible live? Because they were missing a beet."