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Joke of the Day

"Keep honking. I'm reloading."

"ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*"

"Shipwreck survivors on an island S1: We told you to spell 'SOS' with those coconuts! S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I'm a vegan."

"What do you call a bird who wants to have a different personality? An alter eagle!"

"Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?"

"Did you hear the one about the guy with no ears? Neither did he."

"Why do dogs run in circles? Because it's harder to run in squares."

"I'm too old to still be ""getting too old for this."" I've arrived."

"Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire."

"What is a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother"